Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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