lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
