If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
