ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
We have started to decorate penises.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
