i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize