Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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