I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
