She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
