Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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