I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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