census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
