Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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