so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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