just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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