I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I wish you could order shots online.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
