i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize