so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We're too hungover to prance.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
