All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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