Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
