So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
