LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
