mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
