Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
