i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
