She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
