Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
