im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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