And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
