I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
you never un-have a 4some
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
