I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize