because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
We had sex on a dog bed..
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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