i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
