mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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