she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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