the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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