I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
