White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
