can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Randomize
