Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
