drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
