I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
