I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
