why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
