Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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