SEEEEXXX PLEASE
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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