There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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