The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
