I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
