I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
