I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize