The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
