I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
