Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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