things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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