she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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