I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
