I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
