I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
